TrauMA & DraMA

Yep these two realities can plague our relationships and damage our marriages.  Oftentimes the blame for these realities gets laid at the feet of our MAMA’s.  I don’t know if your mother-daughter relationship was anything like mine but it was seriously messed up!  Lies, deception, blasphemy, disrespect, it was a daily soap opera!

Only now, after she’s gone, can I look back and say that my lifelong blame game was pretty unfair to her.

What is blame?  Where does it come from?  What can we do to let it go?

The first time the word blame is referenced is in the thirteenth century.  For my history geeks out there you will recall this period of time saw the Crusades coming to an end and the church was seeing competition for power among merchants and scholars and those two groups were looking to tear apart both church and state. Needless to say, there was lots of finger pointing going on. Okay, history lesson over! However when you understand that history it’s easy to understand how the word “blame” came to pass.  That’s not to say the concept hasn’t existed since the very beginning and we need look no further than in the Garden of Eden to learn that lesson.

An online search for the meaning of blame says it means “to consider something or someone else responsible for a misdeed, failure or undesirable outcome.”  I would say the fall of humanity and separated from the glory of God qualifies as an undesirable outcome wouldn’t you?  Now, that’s some serious trauma and drama.   Who gets the blame for this outcome…well…it gets laid squarely at the feet of the first mother, Eve.

When the woman saw that the fruit of the tree was good for food and pleasing to the eye, and also desirable for gaining wisdom, she took some and ate it. She also gave some to her husband, who was with her, and he ate it.” Genesis 3:6 NIV.

Okay, so then when God questions them as to what happened for them to understand their ‘nakedness’ guess who starts pointing fingers?  ADAM…”The man said, ’The woman you put here with me – she gave me some fruit from the tree and I ate it.” Genesis 3:12.  So it sounds like Adam has the audacity to actually blame God!!  Then when God questions Eve she says, “…the serpent deceived me, and I ate it.”  3:13..

Who says the Bible isn’t exciting?  There’s so much intrigue and mayhem in the Old Testament it is a page turner to be sure.

Anyway, over the years, like the first couple, I’ve conveniently blamed probably God and certainly my mother ..for just about every dumb, stupid thing I chose to do that of course turned out poorly.  Would you say the same thing about blaming one or both?

I was a selfish, spoiled child and neither of my parents deserved the trauma and drama I thrust upon them.  Truly, my first husband didn’t deserve it either.  God forgive me.

How amazing that despite knowing who I truly am – a lost soul a bundle full of lies…God came chasing after me.  Why?  Because He loves me in all my brokenness. He went to the cross to die for all my dumb, stupid, idiotic screwups!!  Why?  Because He doesn’t want me to perish into the fires of Hades.  His chasing me down seriously blows my mind.  I am forever grateful. Forever humbled by our King Jesus.

Can blaming another for our misdeeds ever turn out well, probably not. I hope you will join me in taking a long look at the mirror on the wall and remember that truly “the fairest one of all” is NOT YOU.  Your life is a reflection of who God equipped you to be for His Glory.  When you get married you are then a reflection of your husband and vice versa.  Do you want to live out your marriage in constant turmoil? Of course not.

One helpful suggestion to calm any trauma or drama in your marriage is to stop blaming your spouse when things don’t turn out as you plan or hope. Let’s take a tip from Matthew 7:3, “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”

Let’s agree to stop the blame game and really think on the fact that we only get one shot at this life, let’s remember Who we are living it for, how much He loves you and that we need to stop wasting time and start living our purpose for Him.

“And we know in all things God works for the good of those who love Him who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28 NIV